I want to quit

I have worked for this family for 6 months and i cant handle it! there are 2 boys, 8 years and 11 years. The 8 year old acts like a 4 year old!!!! He is spoiled beyond belief with their credit cards and the endless things they get away with. The only punishment option they gave me is to take away his ipad, and now during the summer only some of the activities can be taken away. He throws tantrums constantly, usually lasting about an hour. he has no respect for me or his brother. He spits on his brother, hits and screams till his face is red with rage! and he cusses at me every time he gets mad. and he knows all the words... I am actually scared when he gets like this yesterday i came home with my arm bright red with scratches and him mother only asked him to apologize. its not just at home either, he acts this way in public as well. Most of the time there's NOTHING i can do. I try ignoring the behavior, he just continues. I've tried punishments, taking away devices, tv time (even though that's "not really a punishment" the parents are comfortable with), activities. I've tried being calm and assertive. I've tried a little yelling, which i don't like but sometimes its the only way to grab his attention. I don't want to get physical with him at all because i wouldn't want that to happen to me or my kids, and i don't want to accidentally hurt him. when he hangs on me and grabs me i try to just pull back but this usually hurts me because he simply wont let go. He cannot control his anger and its clear his parents let him have the control.

When i tell them what has happened they just have him say sorry, then its like nothing ever happened. most of the time because there's nothing i can do i resort to calling whichever parent will pick up their phone. when its the dad its always "Hey buddy, whats wrong---its okay, you're okay" and then he tells me "hes just having a rough day, i wont punish him on our time but its up to you during your time." this makes it hard for him to understand that what he is doing is wrong!!!! when the mom calls she is more stern with him but i get the same results.

I don't know what to do anymore. originally i was going to wait till the end of the summer, but after he was hitting me yesterday i want to quit by Thursday, my last day this week. I know its right to give two weeks notice and i plan on it but the mom works 10 minutes from home and is there CONSTANTLY! sometimes shes there from start to finish. and her kids are fully capable of behaving when shes there! But this makes it clear to me that i am not needed or respected. I drive almost 20 miles in and out of the city to watch these kids, and my car already has a LOT of miles on it so I'm always confused why they would want me to drive out there just to send me home 20 minutes later or why they don't pay me gas money for taking their kids everywhere.

How should I resign? I'm not great with face to face confrontation and what should I say? I cant really tell them i think your kids are crazy little brats!

Comments

Before you resign, find another job- unless you are financially covered!
The nanny and the family have to be on the same page. ALWAYS. If they think that what their child is doing is not a big deal. Leave, now! That brat will always be labeled as the troubled child because their parents don't do anything about his behavior, and once they realize how big of a hole they've dug in, it will be too late. He is 8 years old. He knows he gets his way by throwing a fit.
Also, I know you want to put a stop into this, but you cannot touch the child period. No spanking, no pulling, nothing at all. I do not even yell. But I do get serious. I do get upset. I do tell them to stop in a sturdy voice. And I make sure they lose whatever treat I was getting for them. Such as going to the pool (if he has sibling I would still go, but I would make sure he is sitting by me.), same with a jungle gym place, etc. He needs to understand that he does not deserve any of that.
One time a kid pushed me because he wanted to play with some shot glasses. He pushed me and said "leave me alone!". All I said was "you do not touch me", "I do not push you, you do not push me." His parents were in the living room. They heard everything. All they said was, "hey buddy, do you need to go to the cozy corner? Can you tell her that you are sorry?" (No time outs, no nothing. I was so upset!) Later that day I texted them telling them I could not work with them anymore since I have felt very disrespected(this was not the first time for him being naughty, he would yell at me or hurt his sister everyday, and his parents knew that. But this time he pushed me and I felt like I have had it)and I also told them that unfortunately I had the feeling we were never going to be on the same page. She called me asking for an explanation, got crazy defensive. Then she admitted he has been behaving like that in school. (She told me before she has never heard anything bad about her son at school, that he is only 4 so he does not know any better, that they do not do time outs, they always just talk to him, etc.) He was very rude all the time, yelling and just being obnoxious. And hey, a 4yo, knows better. Even a 1 year old knows better.
I would personally just find something else and once you get paid and have your cash in hand, text them telling them you are not coming back. You have been physically hurt by their kid so you have made your decision of not working for them anymore. That you have a job offer somewhere else that you will accept since clearly this is not the job for you.
Good luck!

this sounds like a very difficult position you're in. i suspect that the 8 year may have special needs or a disability or disorder that is not being addressed but if he's not acting that way at school with his teacher or peers then he may very well be acting out for parental attention. negative attention can be just as gratifying for some children as positive attention because they're starving for parental attention. they also need rules, boundaries, and to know how to respect EVERYONE around them, adults and children alike. if he doesn't act out like this at school, you're collateral damage for his war games with his parents. you definitely need to be reimbursed for gas by the parents and paid for your full time whether 20 minutes or not because they are expecting you to be available and that prevents you from making money with other families.

i would give them a handwritten letter of resignation/two weeks notice and let them know that you are available to chat about anything in the letter but you're firm on it. it's very difficult to help children regulate themselves, abide by rules and boundaries, or respect you without support from the parents. you don't seem to have a close attachment with these children so it's best you move on because you're stressed, injured, and putting more wear and tear on your car for what? i once told the kids i used to nanny, after they hit and hurt me, "that is considered assault and you can go to jail or juvenile hall for assault, it's not okay to hurt others like that" they cried thinking about how sad their mum would be if they went to jail. they never hurt me like that again and if they started to draw back as if to hit or kick me i reminded them that assault is never okay. i got them talking about their feelings or going to chill out in their rooms until they were either calm or their mum got home. they usually were told to apologize (like "i am sorry for... next time i will"...types of written apologies) and wouldn't treat me like that again. keep yourself professional and don't settle for less; you're worth it!

i hope you are able to gain some help from some of the things i've said. i wish you all the best!

You don't need to give them any reason why you are resigning. You can just say I need to move on and my last day will be date.
If you give reasons why you want to leave that opens the door for them to negotiate. If you say your commute is too long they may offer to pay for gas or have you head home earlier or come in later.

If you want to stay then you need to work on the kids behavior. When the parents are gone you should have clear expectations of the children's behavior and clear consequences.

Spitting, hitting, kicking are not allowed. If he's going to do that either he needs to leave the room or you and the other child need to leave the room. He can come back when he can use kind words. Every single time he does something wrong you need to tell him it's not ok and explicitly tell him what a better choice would be.

Find another job. Tell them you are moving on...you don't own anyone an explanation. Honor your contract if you signed one.

OP here, Thank you! I have actually tried every tactic you guys have suggested, but to no avail (he acts as if I'm sending him to the dungeons and not his room when he acts up). I believe this little boy has just learned this is how he gets what he wants, his mother seems to be unaware his behavior isn't normal but I've over heard his father calling his actions manipulative but with no correction to it. Because I do not give in he goes further and further each time he doesn't get his way. The parents pay me a flat rate for the week and only take out money when I can't make it to watch the kids. But I don't get gas money. I already resigned so I won't worry about it at this point. It's not worth it to me.

If you are reading this for advice like I did on many other nanny support group posts, in my situation I didn't have a written contract or really a verbal one outlining what actions should be taken in the event that I would resign. This made things far more stressful in my experience!!!
Even if you've been with your family for a while I would suggest setting up a contract! The mother seemed fairly suprrised when I gave her my two week notice. She didn't lash out at me or anything dramatic in the moment. She actually told me "it'll all work out" which reassured me but then I woke up the next morning to a text about may pay for the last two weeks with them (which was fair) and she basically told me I was a bad person for putting her in the situation. This of course hurt my feelings but I set my phone down and waited a couple hours then I respectfully responded. If you don't at least trust that the parents will pay you after resigning then you may want to wait till pay day, but that could also mean waiting a while and staying in an unhealthy situation. It's also a good idea to remind any employer trying to push you out the door before your check is in your hand that not getting paid for time you worked is infact illegal. I'm sure they don't want to case those consiquenses. (Also another reason to have a written contract, if they refuse to pay you or to pay you in full).

In my letter of resignation I didn't tell them about the behavior issues because I really don't think they would believe their son is acting as bad as he is, they really down play it when I'm talking to them, so I told them it was about distance which is a major contributing factor. In the next week I'll be putting another 300 miles on my car just to watch them for (at most) 2 hours mon-fri after they are out of summer school.

I really think it's best (maybe even wise) to not mention problems with the childern in your resignation. Parents, just like everyone else, get emotional and will take things far too personally. I would also say it is best to give at least 2 weeks notice. I didn't want to because of my situation but I did as a courtesy, I know they have other things going on in lives and I knew I could make it 2 more weeks. I don't want to go to work and deal with the temper tantrums and I can get scared of what might happen next, but I also know I can protect myself or walk away, if you don't think you can you should get out asap! Ignore the two weeks notice! If you are in a relationship where your partner is violent towards you and makes you feel unsafe are you going to give them a two weeks notice?? NO, you get the hell out of Dodge!

Lastly, if you're nervous about actually giving them your letter of resignation, Just Do It!! It's like ripping off a band-aid! I was so nervous I thought I'd pee my pants! But I went to the bathroom before (washed my hands) and immediately after handed her my resignation and said something along the lines of "here's my two week notice. I will no longer be able to work with your family. There were a lot of factors that went into it but it really came down to distance. I'm sorry for the inconvenience." I gave her a second to respond and then I walked out the door! Lol my sister said she was proud. And if you work up the nerve you should be proud of yourself too! It takes courage to make the right decision for yourself, especially when it negitivly effects other people, and to stand up for yourself and say you are getting out of the situation you are in. I hope this helps and I need! And thanks again to everyone that replied! Very helpful input for myself and hopefully for someone else!

I had difficulty with the ONE boy I had ... the parents were in such denial of their child and there were absolutely NO rules enforced. They were raising an entitled narcissistic child.

I gave 3 weeks notice (I talked to the parents when the child was away on a school trip). Though I was miserable, I stayed until I thought it was best for the child (just in case future employers wanted to talk to them).

In interviews, the first thing people asked me is if my current family knew I was leaving. They were all relieved that I had given notice. I also thought I had something lined up, but I also knew that I was secure for 6 months without work. It has made the new job search longer than I thought it would be, but also helped me know that I did not have to take a job that I really did not want (and end up in the same situation).

I obviously could not state what I wanted to state for the reasons I was leaving ... but I made a list of all t
he things that made my decision to leave. I then chose a couple of ones from the list that were not offensive. This was I was not being dishonest.

In the day of email and texting ... though it was really difficult, it is best to give notice face to face.

I had to quit my last position!!! This sounds exactly like it except the boys were 5 and 8 at the time!!! Do they live in mukilteo?! I really want to know because i ran into others who have worked with the family i did and quit too!!