PLEASE HELP!!!! I'm out of ideas...

I have been a Nanny for this family for 3 years now, I started when their frist was 1 month and she is currently pregnant and due in April. From the beginning I noticed discipline was going to be a isssue Bc Mom feels guilty and I understand that but now he is 3 and being thought that being disrespectful and not listening is ok.
When he is with me he is wonderful and at school (4 hours twice a week) he is wonderful but the second Mom or Dad walk in the door he is a completely different child, I'm talking .... I don't even know who he is.
He knows how to run Mom and Dad and what to do to get his way, bed time and nap is a disaster for this, he doesn't eat, doesn't listen, I can't hold a conversation with either parent bc he will not allow it.
Mom and Dad both know he is totally different with me. They say with they try to correct him or make him listen he thinks it's funny, Mom also thinks most of the things he does is funny and always has a excuse for him.
I told her it's probably best to fix it now before the new baby arrives bur it seems to be getting worse.
It's getting really difficult for me in the morning and aft w rnoons and I'm not sure what to do anymore.
When the baby gets here and she is on maternity leave leave what am I going to do.
I really need suggestions on how to fix this.

Comments

That's so hard because all this negative bad behavior is happening when the child is with his parents. It sounds like something the parents need to actively work on when they're with him. Maybe you can have a sit down with mom/dad and see if you can come up with some kind of plan to deal with his behavior. Especially before the baby comes because when the baby comes no one will have time to deal with his attitude, plus his attitude will probably be much worse because he will be fighting for attention.

I feel like him interrupting your conversation with mom/dad when they come home is a big NO-NO. Which I'm sure you think too, how do his parents handle that?

Thank you so much for your advice!
I'm definitely going to sit down and have a talk with them before the baby comes.
When he interrupts they let him, he gets away with everything. Yesterday when Dad got home he hit him in the face TWICE and all that was said was "we don't hit "
Aslo when Mom or Dad get home and they ask "did you have a good day? " his answer is "NO" or "not good "
In a yelling, whiny, baby voice.
I really do appreciate you very much. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I don't like feeling like this. It's a very frustrating situation.

Cupcake22, Don't kill the messenger here :)..but..... you are between a rock and a hard place girl.

You want to assist this family, you see the future becoming more difficult for them with the new baby coming, not to mention if his behavior is like this with mom and dad now wait until he shows them his " I'm jealous of the new baby" routine. And apparently they admit to the fact that he IS capable of good behavior with you, and at school, but they think his bad behavior is cute??? Then there's not a whole lot you can do.

You care more about their child's life then they do, and that's really sad. Those parents are setting their son up for a long road of frustration. By not teaching him boundaries, contentment, or manners, what will eventually happen is that the parents won't be able to stand being around him. He will grow, and so will his demands. It will become difficult and stressful to deal with him, because they will try and try give him everything he wants but he will never be satisfied, because it's not about the stuff, it's about control.

I would give it my best shot as mentioned to sitting down with them and trying to explain your concerns, but it sounds like they don't want to deal with it. I have met many parents like this, and I have to move on. I feel a nannies job is to assist the parents in what's best for the child, but if the parents don't see this or want to admit it, all you can do is work with the little guy while you have the chance.

I worked for a family of two boys both toddlers. The parents both worked at home (and that's another story), but they did not want me to use the word "NO", but to offer a positive solutions. What!!!! Are you kidding??? I didn't say that out loud of course, I just thought it :). As with most toddlers they loved to mess with the electrical outlets. One night I told my husband that the mom told me she'd caught the older boy one trying to stick a piece of metal in one of the outlets so to really watch out for him. Then later that day I too caught him trying to put something metal in the outlet, and I wanted to say NO-NO, but caught myself and didn't. "What'd ' you do, he asked, oh... I offered him a plastic spoon instead".

I think most children act a little differently for the nanny when the parents are around. It's very frustrating. I guess if he is disrespectful to you in the parents presence you need to react as you would if they weren't there. Do whatever you would normally do. So annoying.

If you really can't have a conversation with the parents while the child is there you can make other arraignments, call or email them during nap time or when the child is at school. Have a communication journal at the house ...

Maternity leave is going to be tough. I hope the mom plans to spend a good chunk of time with the 3 year old and let you be with the baby. This will help everyone.

I would ask her what are her plans for the maternity leave???

Good luck.

I think most of the kids I've cared for act one way for me and another for the parents. They know what they can and can not get away with, with me also with the parents. The 4 yr old I have now says shut up to people and when I explain children don't say that he says but my mom does. I explained he's a child and if he wants to have friends he won't talk like that or people won't want to be his friend. If they misbehave with the parents that's their fault but they will not misbehave with me.

I think this is a common problem- you are on the clock do not be afraid to reprimand the child even if the parents are there. I always make sure my 4 yr old is doing something he loves when parents come home. It is the only time he gets to play with his IPad or playdoh or whatever takes his attention away from mommy and daddy coming home. It doesn't always work, but most days it does. He knows when it is time for them to come home and he is excited- his acting out seems the opposite of what it should be, but he missed his parents and is confused and most likely a little angry they are not there for him like you are. He is too little to understand or control this confusion- so acting out is how he gets their attention. Most likely when the new baby comes you will be responsible for all the care- I just had twins arrive and parents do nothing for them if I am on the clock. If things get crazy- I have no problem handing a child off to a parent and they are ok with it. I keep the children in a separate area of the house when they are working at home. I also have a nanny diary i keep of the children's day so we do not need to go over as much when they come home....the get away is quicker!

I had the same problem at my last job. My younger charge, age 6 when I left, was totally fine with me. But the second her mom came through the door (or we went through the door to her), instant whining, crying, tantrums, complaining, etc. She knew what she could get away with with me, and what she could get away with with her mom. Mom was a lot more lenient, for one. But I think my charge had somehow gotten the message/idea that the best way to get loving attention from her mom was to be upset about something--tantrums often ended with her getting her way followed by a hug (after shouting something like "you don't even love me!"), a story about a crummy day at school got her hugs and possibly extra sweets, or fighting with her sister could lead to alone time with mom.

It was also difficult because the mom would wind up undermining me all the time. Yeah, she's the mom. But it made it really hard for my word to hold any weight with the little girl because she knew all she had to do was badger her mom and not have to listen to me. They had had a very bad experience with the nanny before me and the mom felt guilty, so she wound up basically never telling her daughter 'no' to anything. Any time I tried to talk to the mom about it, she completely agreed with me, but in practice she fell right back to her old habits. Eventually I left for a full-time job, but I know their new nanny is having the same problem now.

I was always nervous to talk to the mom about it, especially since she was a clinically trained therapist and maybe she felt like she knew more than I did. But it was exactly like you described--screams mean things to her mom (and sometimes dad) until she gets her way, hits (and the parents respond the exact same way as yours), won't let her mom have a conversation with me--and it was hard for me to watch. I could tell the mom was getting so worn down by it too. When your kid screams "I hate you!" for the millionth time, I guess it starts to sink in. Anyway, I tried to approach it more like "hey just checking in to make sure we're still on the same page". Even though she never changed, at least the conversations weren't horribly awkward, and I tried.

I think you should definitely try talking to the parents, but chances are that this is just how they're going to be. If they're going to change, it's probably not going to be because of you. :(

Sorry hon, I hope it does change.