New Nanny is Possessive

Hi everyone,

I recently left my nanny family of almost four years to pursue my dream of being a teacher. The decision to leave was hard, but they supported me and we have remained close. They have three boys who I have been with since the oldest was 8 weeks old. They are basically like my second family. I helped them hire their new nanny and at first we really got along. So much that we are now roommates! I visit once or twice a week to see the boys and everything seemed to be going fine. I always defer to her when the boys ask me for things to make sure that they understand that she is in charge now. There has never been any issue, at least from my perspective, with them not understanding who is in charge. Well all of a sudden she decides that I shouldn't come visit anymore when she is in charge. She says that it is too confusing for the boys and that they don't know who is in charge and who to listen to. She also doesn't want their grandparents to come around anymore either. To me, this is absolute crap. I think she is just jealous that the boys are more attached to me and their grandparenta than they are to her. Part of the problem is that she doesn't do anything fun with them! She sits on her phone and computer all day, she won't do crafts or chalk or anything with them and she puts them in front of the tv for hours! If she would actually put some effort into forming relationships with them, then I'm sure they would bond with her. I just want to know what I should do. I love these boys and I don't want to let her kick me out of their lives. Should o talk to the parents? I have a really good relationship with dad, but he is going through a divorce right now and I don't want to burden him with anything else.


I guess the issue here is, are the parents okay with how she runs the day? Are they aware she's on her phone and they're watching a lot of TV? If not and you're close with the parents as you say, I'd definitely tell them that part at least. Are they going to enforce that the grandparents don't come around?

I can understand from her perspective and I think you should try to as well, especially since you live with her now. Perhaps try a perspective change, imagine being the new nanny just trying to get in a good swing with the new kids but old favorite is still hanging around once or twice a week? Idk, I've never once been so attached to a work family and never will be because I very much value my independence from my work. I just suggest thinking about her feelings a bit, take a walk in her shoes as far as that's concerned. See the kids on the weekend, offer to take them to the park or something, don't disturb her work day. I despise having visitors while I'm working because it always causes disruption to a routine that otherwise would operate like a machine.

But I'd consider informing them of how she spends the day if they're not aware. I'm guilty myself of zoning out for 5-10 mins in the room while the kids free play, but they're safe I'm supervising and I always interact when they come to me (little guy likes to bring me books which I gladly read). So I can understand a short break, we all need them but if it's a constant thing it should be brought to their attention as I'm sure any parent would like to know. Do they have nanny cams where they can see for themselves how she runs the day?

I think the issue is recently!! You need to stay away for about 3 months to give them a chance to bond with her. I know that's hard. Maybe you can ask to meet for lunch or at the park but let her have them in the house on her own.

Just my opinion.

I think you should respect her wishes. Visit the boys on the parents' time. I.e nights or weekends. I know you love them, but you don't need to visit several times a week. And how long is this visit? If you're there several hours each time, it's too much. I also don't like when GPs come visit. It interrupts our routine and keeps us too off kilter.

I think you shouldn't talk to the dad. Just ask if you can have time with the kids. It may be helpful to him for you to take the kids on a Sat or Sun afternoon for an adventure. These kids are going through enough as it is with the divorce. Don't add to it. Let them have their nanny time. And dad/mom time. AND you time. Just separately.

There are a few different issues going on here. The big issue to me is that if she is on her phone or computer all day, she shouldn't be working there. You can't stick children in front of a television all day and ignore them. That's probably one of the reasons she doesn't want anyone else there, she would actually have to work.
I can understand her feeling jealous of you, but that's her issue. It should not affect her responsibilities to this family. Also, she should not expect you or the grandparents not to visit while she's there. They are family and you are like family too. How are the grandparents taking it, or hasn't she told them yet? I would say talk to dad and if things don't improve, she needs to be let go. The fact that she's your roommate doesn't help lol. Is there any way you can help her be a better nanny? Maybe you could both take the boys out or do something fun at the house. They might start to like her more and then she would not feel so threatened by you. Good luck!

Sorry, but you asked. I'd get out of the situation and not go over to your former bosses house. The boys are confused, and I don't blame their new nanny for not wanting you to come over. Her issues with not being a hands on nanny are none of your concern now. You should not talk to the parents, but gracefully bow out. As for the dad, leave it alone. He has enough on his plate now.

You could suggest to the new nanny some things to do with the children. Maybe things that they enjoyed doing with you. You helped hire her so maybe you should have asked her what she planned to do with the children throughout the day. If she lied (red flag) about what activities she would be doing with the children that's one thing but maybe she really just doesn't know what to do. To be honest, I wouldn't want an old nanny around either if I was trying to form a relationship with the children in my care. That would be hard because the kids will always see you as a caretaker if you are around all the time. Once or twice a week is a lot in my opinion. Maybe back it off to once every other week and possiblely while the other nanny is off the clock so the kids aren't confused.